Emotionally Bankrupt

I wish I could say I have not been posting for a while due to life being grand and I have not had any hard life's lessons to learn. But that is not the case. It is the exact opposite. Life hit a "difficult spell" as we like to say. I had nothing to say. And, in all honesty, if I had had something to say, I probably would have acted like a child, held my breath and said nothing. Or it may not have been very nice or even remotely Christian-like. I was simply was too tired to care. My emotional gas tank was dead on E. I have been emotionally bankrupt.

The details are inconsequential. All I will say is I was hurt by someone I deeply love. That soul crushing what do we do now hurt. And the absolute crazy thing is they did not do anything "wrong", it was just the wrong thing in the circumstances. 

So what do you do? You haven't been wronged. There was no ill will behind their actions. They were not out to get you. It is the opposite. They love you and have your best interest at heart but their idea of what to do and your idea of what to do are just on opposite ends of the spectrum. And the result led to pain.

Again, what do you do? 

Okay- This is where I may ruffle some feathers. If you are easily offended you may want to stop reading right about now...

Am I the only one who sometimes sees Jesus as the poster child for perfect? The poster on the side of the bus with perfect hair and shiny teeth saying "Be like me! But wait... it unobtainable! You will never be like me. I am perfect."  That younger brother or sister, who can NEVER do anything wrong, and your parents are constantly looking at you with that look of "Why can't you be more like Jesus?" "Jesus would never do such a thing. He is perfect!"

That is the "problem" with being a Christian. The person we are to look up to and try to be like was perfect. I am talking about absolutely, stunningly perfect in every way, shape and form. Not just exactly fitting the need in a certain situation or for a certain purpose, he is most definitely that, but conforming absolutely to the description or definition of an ideal type; excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement: entirely without any flaws, defects, or shortcomings. Perfect! The perfect we will never, ever obtain on this Earth. 

I have been set up for failure. God has set me up to be failure. You want me to be Christlike and yet, you know I will never be this side of Heaven. It is not fair and it is a set of standards I simply cannot live up to. In being Christlike, I am a perfect failure.

I get my feeling hurt and I cannot write a simple blog post. Jesus is hanging from a cross after being tortured and says "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." Those aren't high expectations at all. Not. At. All.

I sometimes want to punch people. Jesus heals the guard's severed ear.

I make judgmental statements about people. Jesus said "Neither do I condemn you."

FAILURE! I am a complete and utter failure. That is how I have felt the past few months. Incapable of forgiving, unable to be like Jesus, in some moments not wanting to be like Jesus because I am unable to be like Jesus. A complete and utter failure. 

I have felt this way for months until this morning listening to Dave Ramsey. You read that correctly. The "financial guy" turned my situation  upside down. He said "I was ashamed to tell anyone anything because everyone has their act together. Right?" No Mr. Ramsey, I do not have my act together. Despite outward appearances, I am far from having my act together.

But here is the crazy thing, I am not a failure. That statement does not mean I have not failed. Oh, I can promise you I have, I am and I will continue to fail. But that does not make me a failure. 

The definition of failure is an act or instance of failure or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: nonperformance of something due, required, or expected.

How am I not failure? Because God knows who I am and knew who I would become. I am performing exactly as God knew I would. We all are. We are broken and because of that He sent us Jesus. 

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

He sent us Jesus to be our Savior. He sent us Jesus not as a "Haha, this what you can never be." but as our guide, our crutch, our everything in every moment. Being a Christian is not some unobtainable goal to be like Jesus in every way. It is to allow Jesus to live in us and the Holy Spirit to guide us. We still have free will, can still make our own decisions and choose to not follow where we are led, i.e mess things up terribly. We need to strive to be like Jesus because his perfection is a full expression of God. There will be times we fail. We are broken.  But we are not failures because we are not perfect and never will be here on Earth.

Jesus lives in us at all times, not just our times of need. The Holy Spirit is there to guide us at all times, not just in our times of need. The more we listen and follow God's will the better we become (notice I did not say perfect!) :)

This is why prayer, time alone with God, reading our Bible and fellowship with other Christians is so important. Prayer and time alone, allow us to hear what we are being told. The Bible is our instruction manual. Fellowship with other Christians keeps us accountable. 

Slowly but surely, I am getting back where I need to be. I feel like I am coming out of a war. But I know God will use this to bless me. He always has and always will. 

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

“But if Christ is in you, though the body is dead because of sin, the spirit is life because of righteousness.” Romans 8:10

love- j